


Send Out a 911 We're Gonna Have Some Fun

by BellaKatrina



Series: I Never [2]
Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Gen, Girls' Night Out, Humor, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-11-08 12:28:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20835461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BellaKatrina/pseuds/BellaKatrina
Summary: Girls' night out after Jane goes home gets a little... rambunctious. Patterson's requesting the cavalry ride to the rescue.





	1. Dude. Your Sister.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, that title is from a Miley Cyrus song. Story originally written February 2018, so... quite some time ago. Pairings were determined then, so the story doesn't necessarily reflect character growth/changes in more recent seasons. And yes, that means hints of Sarah/Reade.

"No junk food, and he needs to be in bed by 11!"

Roman rolls his eyes as Sarah admonishes him and Kurt for the tenth time.

"Got it." Kurt grinds his teeth.

Jane tugs on Sarah's arm again. "Let's _go_, Sarah. We're already late. At this rate, Allie and Tash will already be in fine form by the time we get there!"

Sarah starts peppering Sawyer with kisses again, and Roman feels for the kid. Sarah seems to be working under the impression that not only is her son five instead of sixteen, but that she's going to be gone for months instead of a few hours. He wants to tell her to stop smothering the kid, but that's not going to help. The only thing they can do is smile and nod, subtly help Jane drag her out, and lock the door as soon as the woman's out in the hallway.

It takes Jane practically throwing Sarah into a headlock to get her to leave, but as soon as they're gone, the apartment seems preternaturally silent. It's blissfully peaceful, and all three of them sigh in relief.

"I need a beer." Kurt announces, heading into the kitchen. "Roman?"

"God, yes." Roman yells after him, then gestures towards the TV. "You want to pick what we watch?"

Sawyer looks hopeful. "Do you guys get Skinemax?"

Roman laughs. "Yeah, that's _not_ happening, kid. Even I know that. Try again. Boxing, wrestling, football, or some sort of shoot 'em up movie?"

Kurt shouts from the kitchen. "I've got that Giants game from last week on the DVR. Do you guys want pepperoni or sausage on the pizza?"

Sawyer and Roman look at each other and yell back in unison. "Both!"

"X-box until Uncle Kurt's done cooking?" Sawyer asks.

"Hell yeah." Roman nods. "Fire it up, dude."

Kurt wanders back into the living room, three beers in hand. He hands one to Roman, then eyes Sawyer carefully. "If I let you have half a beer, do you swear that you'll do everything necessary to make sure your mom and Aunt Jane _never_ hear about it?"

Roman's half-tempted to protest, because he knows Sarah'll kill both Kurt _and_ him if she ever finds out.

"Promise!" Sawyer quickly swears.

Kurt sees the dubious look Roman's giving him, and shrugs. "He's sixteen. I'm sure this won't be the first time he's had a beer. It's a safe setting."

"Dude. Your sister." Roman feels like he has to at least give a token protest.

"And that's why none of us are telling her, _right_?" Kurt hands the bottle to Sawyer, who quickly starts drinking.

"Slow down." Roman wonders exactly when he became the voice of reason. "Your uncle said half a beer tonight. You're going to want that privilege to last more than three seconds."

Sawyer grins at them. "What's he going to do, take back a half-empty bottle and drink it himself? When he says half a beer, he means a full one, right Uncle Kurt?"

Kurt laughs. "Okay, a whole beer. But in exchange, you go to bed when I tell you to without any complaints or stalling, deal?"

Sawyer studies his uncle. "Two beers, and I go to bed a whole half-hour before mom said I had to, no complaints but I get to have my phone with me when I do."

"Really?" Kurt laughs again. "You are _really_ pushing your luck. Two beers, you can stay up to 11, no phone."

"Deal." Sawyer spits on his palm and holds it out.

Roman snorts. "Deal-making, I'll believe you learned from Reade, but not _that_. Go wash your hands, I don't want your spit on my X-box controllers."

"Excuse me, _my_ X-box controllers." Kurt lounges on the couch. "Food'll be out of the oven in about fifteen minutes."

Sawyer runs off, and Roman voices his concerns again. "Sarah is seriously going to kill both of us, you know that right? She's going to get home, count the number of empty bottles, smell his breath, and murder us."

Kurt shrugs. "It's girls night. We're going to be lucky if Sarah and Jane come home before 3, with all of the clothes they left with, and upright. When I dropped the kids off at her place earlier, Allie said something about earlier about a desperate need to unwind – I know what that means. Sarah won't notice, I promise."

Roman feels a headache coming on. "Als wants to unwind? _Fuck_. We're going to end up bailing all of them out of jail, aren't we?"

Pretending to give it some thought, Kurt pauses to swig his beer before answering. "Nah. Jane and Patterson tend to be fairly level-headed. Tash won't do anything that gets Sarah in that much trouble." He winces.

While Kurt hadn't finished his thought, Roman knows what he means. Tash won't let Sarah get in trouble because of Ed. "Still a sore point?"

"I should check on the pizzas." Kurt gets up, fleeing to the kitchen.

Roman takes that as a yes. He still doesn't feel good about this girls' night.


	2. I Don't Want To Play Any More, Pick a Different Game

"Five to eleven." Kurt says sternly.

"You said eleven." Sawyer reminds him, yawning. He's barely awake, and Roman thinks the kid probably should have gone to bed an hour ago. He also thinks he’s the least parent-like of the adults in the room, so he kept his mouth shut and let Kurt be in charge.

"You need to be in bed at eleven, and it takes a few minutes to wash your face, brush your teeth, put on some pajamas." Kurt tells him, getting up from the couch too. "Up, Sawyer."

Sawyer doesn't argue, letting Kurt pull him to his feet and stumbling in the direction of the guest bathroom.

Once he's finally gone, Kurt sighs. "I really thought it would be more of a fight than that." He starts picking up bottles and plates, taking them to the kitchen.

Roman takes advantage of the privacy to check his phone. No calls, no texts, no Twitter or Instagram DMs, nothing. He can't help but frown.

"Hey, if you have someplace to be, we're fine here." Kurt wanders back into the room without Roman even noticing. "Sawyer's going to be sound asleep in a few minutes, and the girls are with Conor, I really don't need any help babysitting."

"Nah, I'm good here." Roman slips the phone back in his pocket, hoping Kurt doesn't push the issue. "X-box or a movie?"

Kurt looks like he wants to say something, but doesn't. He just sits down on the couch again, flipping the TV over to an action movie and turning the volume down a little bit so that they don't disturb Sawyer.

After half an hour, Roman gives in to the urge to check his phone again. Still nothing, which is what he expected, but it's disappointing. Same results when he checks at ten to midnight.

It's after the midnight check that Kurt finally says something. "You could always text whomever you're waiting on first."

Roman shakes his head. "I'm not waiting on anyone."

Kurt laughs. "It's been a while, but I know that game. You are most _definitely_ waiting on someone to text you. Just go ahead and text her, it won't offend me."

"I thought Jane might let us know how the evening's going. I'm worried about them." It's mostly true. Mostly.

"You are so full of shit." Kurt shoots him a look like he can see right through him. "What's her name?"

"Doesn't matter." Roman decides to be somewhat open with his brother-in-law, mostly because he knows Kurt well enough to suspect that he'll shut down after some emotional heavy stuff or personal information is shared. "It's a woman I hook up with occasionally."

"Mmhmm." Kurt murmurs. "Seriously, just go on out. I understand. Take advantage of Jane not being here to ask a million questions."

"I don't have any place to go." Roman settles back into the couch.

Kurt thinks that over, then frowns. "Do you bring her back _here_? I'm not happy with that idea, Roman."

Roman quickly reassures him. "No! Never! I appreciate that you and Jane let me stay here, I'm not doing anything like bringing women back when you aren't here or when I'm supposed to be watching the kids."

"So…" Kurt trails off. "What's the deal?" He finally asks.

Roman stares off into space, not making any attempt at eye-contact with Kurt. "She lets me know when she wants to see me, and she doesn't want or need me bugging her for sex when she doesn't. She apparently doesn't want to tonight." He thinks it's likely she will but just not yet, but doesn't add that on.

Kurt clearly has questions he wants to ask, but Roman appreciates the effort he shows in not immediately interrogating him.

A few minutes pass before Kurt says anything else. "And you _never_ contact her first? You can't? That's not… that's not exactly a healthy relationship, Roman. Even for a fuck-buddy situation."

"Her rules." Roman shrugs. "I'm fine with it."

"Is this a new thing?" Kurt shakes his head. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't ask, your business, but I'm just trying to figure out how long this has gone on without me noticing it."

"Uh…" Roman has to think about it. "About a year? Year and a half?" He doesn't point out that Kurt hasn't noticed, that no one's noticed, because he doesn't want them noticing and he’s very still good at keeping secrets. That wouldn't exactly fill Kurt with confidence about his recovery.

"A year!?" Kurt is shocked. "You've been letting this go on like this for _that_ long?"

Roman laughs, somewhat bitterly. "What other option do I have?"

Kurt seems flabbergasted. "I… Jesus, Roman. I know things have changed since I was single, but you've been casually fucking around with this woman for a year? Either you want to date her seriously or you don't! Make a decision of some sort and don't let this drag on for so long!"

Roman can't believe he's having this conversation with Kurt Weller, of all people. He finally voices some of his frustrations. "Who says I don't want to date her?"

"Then do it." Kurt looks at him like he's crazy.

"She doesn't want me the same way I want her." Oddly enough, it helps to talk about it. "She doesn't want a boyfriend or to go on actual dates. It's this or nothing, and I'm not okay with that 'nothing' option."

"Does Jane know?" Kurt shakes his head as soon as he says it. "Ignore that. Dumb question. Of course Jane doesn't know. She'd be having some sort of tantrum and raging about how badly this woman's treating you. Everyone in the city would know about it."

"And that's exactly why Jane doesn't know." Roman nods. "And she's not treating me badly."

Kurt looks at him hard for a few seconds, like he's trying to figure out what he's hiding. "If you say so. Call one of your other hookup partners then." He offers that solution like a dare.

Roman bites his lip rather than answer.

Kurt grins. "You look so much like Jane when you do that. It's amazing all the little things you two do the same. So I take it you're not seeing anyone else then?"

"Don’t want to see anyone else." This time when he says it, the person he says it to actually believes him. It hadn't gone over so well the night before.

His brother-in-law shakes his head. "You're in love with this girl. Amazing. I was going to offer to set you up with someone, but apparently, that's not going to be an option. You need to bring her over some day, we'll have supper."

Before Roman could possibly say in response, someone starts banging on the door like it's a drum. They look at each other. Roman grabs the gun under the couch and eases into the shadows of the hallway leading back to where Sawyer's sleeping while Kurt grabs his own gun and makes his way to the door. Once he looks through the peephole, he sighs and reholsters it. "Jane. She must have either lost her keys or isn't coordinated enough to use them."

Roman replaces his gun and sits back on the couch as Kurt lets Jane in, leading her over to the couch and getting her to sit in his spot.

"I'll be right back, I'm going to get her some water." He looks at Jane so tenderly, Roman has to look away.

Jane pokes him in the calf with her pointer finger. "I'm mad at you right now."

"What did I do?" Roman desperately hopes that she and Sarah don't know about the beers already.

"You slept with Tash." Jane closes her eyes. "I don't feel so good."

"I _never_!" Roman immediately defends himself.

Jane groans. "I don't want to play any more. Pick a different game."

"Jane, look at me." Roman snaps his fingers in front of her face, trying to get her attention. "Why would you even say something like that?"

She slowly slumps over until her head's resting on his shoulder. "I want cheesecake."

"Jane!" If he wasn't so upset about what she'd said, he'd think she was absolutely adorable. "Focus!"

Kurt chuckles as he gently pulls Jane up into an upright position, handing her the water. "Drink, baby. Please tell me Sarah went home with Patterson or Als."

"Nope." Jane leans back against the sofa cushion.

"Ugh." Kurt shudders, and Roman knows he's thinking about Reade. "Lie to me then."

"It's early, they're still at the bar." Jane sighs. "I got kicked out of the group. Where's that cheesecake?"

Roman and Kurt look at each other, shocked.

"What happened?!" Roman cannot believe her friends kicked her out, sending her home alone. That just doesn't sound like something they'd do, especially Patty. He could see Als and Tash doing it as a joke, but neither of them would have let her leave the bar before laughing and calling her back. And what about Sarah? Sarah would never treat her sister-in-law like that!

"Cheesecake." Jane sounds completely adamant about it, and Roman's familiar enough with her stubbornness to know they're not going to get another word out of her until they feed her. He looks up at Kurt, who nods.

"I'll defrost a slice out of the freezer. You get answers." Kurt doesn't sound the least little bit happy.

Roman shakes her slightly. "Jane, talk to me. What. Happened."

"Tasha had some sort of sex dream about you." Jane blinks up at him. "Which is _super_ gross."

He has to agree with her on that front.

"And then all my stupid friends started talking about how hot you are and how all of them want to…" she gags. "_You know_. With you. All of 'em."

Roman's fairly certain he's never been so shocked.

"And whatever you did to her in the dream, it got Allie and Sarah all hot and bothered and flat-out traumatized Patterson and no one would tell me what it was but I think it had to be something _kinky_." Jane continues like she's not noticed how stunned he is. "And I told them I could leave if they wanted to continue being gross, and they said sure and called me a cab!"

She looks at him, then pats his cheek. "But like, they called a cab company to come get me, they didn't call me a cab like 'cab' is some sort of insult. They're good friends."

He can't stop the giggle that erupts from him over that comment.

Kurt walks back in, dessert plate and fork in hand. "Did you get answers?"

Roman nods.

"Then you get cheesecake." Kurt addresses Jane as he hands her the plate.

"Mmm, best husband ever!" She kisses his cheek. "Allie wants to marry Roman, but even then, you'll still be the best husband."

Kurt and Roman both jerk in shock at that.

Kurt looks over at him. "Assuming that it's not just drunken Allie rambling meant to rev up Jane or make Conor jealous, you have three options. Run as far away as fast as you can, load up on garlic and holy water and silver bullets and anything else that might work against a succubus, or just go ahead and give in and hope you survive. Lots of Gatorade and potassium, that's the secret." He grins.

Roman flips him off.

"Did you find out what happened?" Kurt asks, ignoring the rude gesture.

"Jane couldn't handle the girl talk, sarcastically offered to leave to let them continue the conversation, they took her up on the offer." He summarizes.

"Do I even want to know?" Kurt sounds pained.

"I certainly don't." Roman shakes his head, trying to dislodge the bad thoughts.

"So they're still there?" Kurt frowns. "I don't think I like this situation. Not at all. I was counting on Jane helping to keep them from doing anything too wild. Patty's not going to be able to contain Tash and Allie without backup. Jesus, they're all going to end up getting arrested."

Roman's pulling his phone out before Kurt finishes talking, having already come to the same conclusion and texting Patterson trying to get some more current intel. Based on what Jane said, he's fairly certain texting any of the other three would be a very bad idea.

_Kurt's requesting sit-rep. Jane just got home. _

She responds immediately. _Tell Kurt - HELP. Same loc. T&S body shots, don't know who guys are??? A still has shirt. Wouldn't if I wasn't sitting her. More drinks on order. Exfil assist?_

He looks up at Kurt, even more concerned than he was a minute earlier. "Still there, but Tash and Sarah are apparently doing body shots with some random strangers and Patterson's sitting on Allie to keep her from taking her shirt off. Patty's requesting the cavalry ride to the rescue."

Kurt curses, looks over at Jane, then back at Roman. "Do you want to stay here and look after her?"

"I'm fine!" Jane speaks up, mouth full of cheesecake. "I'm going to eat this and finish my water, then go to bed." She leers at Kurt when she says 'bed'; Roman wonders yet again about how soon he'll be able to afford to move out.

Kurt grabs his car keys off the credenza. "C'mon then. Call Reade and tell him we'll pick him up in fifteen."

Roman hesitates. "Do we need to bring any sort of gear?" He’s not entirely sure the three of them can corral the four drunk women without riot gear.

"Based on the way they were talking, you definitely aren't going to want to show up with handcuffs, Roman!" Jane 'helpfully' calls out from the couch. "Oh, eww, I grossed myself out with that one. Ick. Hey, do we have any more cheesecake?"


	3. Social Skills of a Particularly Introverted Cave-Dwelling Tarantula

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, yeah, this chapter earns its warning for language and inappropriate text messaging.

They're halfway there when his phone chimes. Even though Reade and Kurt seemingly aren't paying him any attention, he's careful to angle the phone so that they can't see the screen or a reflection of the screen from the SUV's windows. Just in case. It may be Jane requesting more cheesecake or Patterson providing them with an update on the bar situation, but maybe not.

_u up? ;)_

He lets out a little grunt of both amusement and aggravation. He's not a big fan of the line anymore, not since he became aware that the women in their group treat that line as some sort of inside joke, one that he's not entirely in on the meaning of but he knows it somehow involves his brother-in-law and that he doesn't want to know any more. 

"Something you want to share with the rest of us?" Kurt asks.

Roman can't tell if he's questioning if one of their drunk-off-their-asses ladies has texted, or if he's trying to subtly tease him about his girl. "Not really." He's quick to text her back.

_For you, always. _

"Once we get them in the SUV, you can take off." Kurt offers.

His phone starts chiming every few seconds, and he makes the mistake at looking at the messages.

_i want u _

_& that talented tongue of urs_

_& ur beautiful cock_

He almost drops the phone in shock. This is... this is... wow. The text messages keep rolling in. _   
_

_ur always so hard for me_

_can i have u soon?_

_i'm wet 4 u – sooooooo wet_

_if i were wearing panties, they'd be soaked_

_;)_

_if u haven't figured it out, i'm naked under my skirt_

_cum find me_

_fuck me outside my apt?_

_i NEED it hard & fast_

_flip up my skirt & take me against the brick wall in the alley_

_i need u_

_i want to suck u off & make u beg_

_where r u? how soon will u be here?_

His mouth suddenly dry, Roman shifts in his seat uncomfortably. "I, uh, I might do that."

"Are you seriously getting booty called right now?" Reade sounds incredulous; Roman chooses not to take it as an insult.

"Don't be like that." Kurt chides him. "It's 1 am on a Saturday night. He's single."

"And he only knows like 5 women he's not related to and he has the social skills of a particularly introverted cave-dwelling tarantula." Reade argues. "If anyone in this car should be getting booty called, it's me."

Turning around, Roman reaches into the second row of seats and tries his best to slap at him, but Reade had already moved, expecting retaliation. Reade laughs.

Kurt lets out a low growl, and Roman doesn't even have to turn around to know that he's got a death grip on the steering wheel. Roman slaps at Reade's leg again, getting his attention, and mouthing the words "Sarah, _dumbass_."

Reade grimaces, shooting a quick glance at the back of Kurt's head. "I mean, I'm handsome, employed, well-dressed, rich, not criminally insane, don't have a beard like some sort of lumberjack… objectively I'm the most booty-callable one of us in this SUV, if I were into that sort of thing, which I'm not. It's tacky, is what it is. What sort of skank is texting you?"

Roman sees red, and after unbuckling his seatbelt, he launches himself into the second row, fist first.

"What the _hell_, man?" Reade mumbles as he brings his arms up in front of his face.

"Don't make me turn this car around, boys." Kurt warns.

That brings them all to a sudden stillness. Roman suddenly feels very silly, the way he's holding himself over Reade while trying to punch him. He's also suddenly very glad that they were already at a red light and Kurt hadn't slammed on the breaks, because it just dawns on him how dangerous it is to move about in a moving car like this.

"Oh, _Christ_." Kurt sounds shocked. "I've turned into a 1980s era mom."

Reade and Roman both snicker.

"Roman, apologize to Reade and put your seatbelt back on." Kurt apparently decides to embrace his new role. "Reade, apologize to Roman for calling his lady a skank. I'm sure she's a perfectly nice woman."

"She's fooling around with him." Reade argues. "Clearly she's not top quality. Or entirely sane."

"Reade!" Kurt snaps. "_Apologize_."

"Say _one more_ motherfucking word about her, and you won't have any _teeth_." Roman snarls at him.

Reade holds up his hands in surrender, and Roman crawls back into the front seat. He wriggles around until he's comfortable and they can't see his screen, then mutes his phone so that it can't give him away to Kurt and Reade any more.

_I'm kinda busy right now. Seriously, what's gotten into you?_

She immediately responds.

_not u ;(_

_case of *needing* something to get n2 me ;)_

_u – i'm talking about u & that big dick_

_give it 2 me plz?_

_where r u?_

He looks out the window, trying to figure out how close they are to the bar.

_You're a menace. _

_Keep it up, and the only thing you're getting is a spanking._

_What's up with this lack of capitalization and proper words? _

_And what's with all this dirty talk????_

_How drunk are you???_

_I'm about 5 minutes away from the bar where my sister's friends apparently are in *serious* need of rescuing. From themselves._

"I can't believe this." Reade distracts him. "When did this start?"

Kurt laughs. "You don't have to answer that. Mind your own business, Reade."

"If you want me to mind my own business then you wouldn't have called me to come help corral our women before they start a riot. Or World War 3, I don't know what sort of mood Tash's in tonight." Reade counters.

Roman looks down at his phone while Kurt and Reade start joking about what sort of shape they're going to find the women in and betting on how many fights Tash and Allie will have started by the time they get there.

_white knighting, huh?_

_bad girls don't use capitals ;)_

_& i've been very bad, wouldn't u say?_

_might have idea 4 special award 4 my handsome knight n shining armor_

That… that either bodes very, very well or very, very badly for him.

As they pull up to the bar, he turns off his phone and slips it back into his pocket. No good can come from having it on inside.


	4. Cheesecake with Chocolate and Whipped Cream

Roman's not entirely sure what he's expecting to happen when they walk into the bar, but this isn't it. None of the women had even noticed them. Allie is with five other women dancing on the bar and appears to be the one in charge, which doesn't surprise him in the least. Patterson's at the pool table, surrounded by a bunch of guys; Roman can't tell if she's trying to purposefully distract them as part of a hustle or if she's just attracted a lot of unwanted attention. Tasha and Sarah are indeed doing body shots, just like Patterson had said, but off of each other, which is not at _all_ the impression he'd gotten from her SOS text.

He freezes just inside the doorway, unsure where he's supposed to intervene first. Reade bumps into him, then freezes too; Roman assumes he must have just noticed Tasha and Sarah. Kurt runs into both of them, almost knocking them over.

"Oh, _shit."_ Kurt says, taking in the scene before taking a deep breath. "Okay, I'll deal with Allie. Neither of you are going to have much luck there. Roman, you want Tash and Sarah, or do you want Patterson?"

Reade laughs. "You really need to rephrase that, it sounds hilarious when you say it like that."

Kurt and Roman both ignore him.

"I'm not going anywhere near Tash and Sarah, not after what Jane told me." Roman very much wants to keep his distance from those two and Allie until they sober up a bit. He starts walking back towards the billiards area before they can stop him.

Once he gets there, he has to shove his way through the crowd surrounding Patterson. She's up on her toes and bent over the table, ass in the air, trying to line up a shot; he's certain she has no clue the guys are all watching her instead of paying attention to what she's saying. Now that he's close enough to see what's going on, he can hear what she's saying.

"So it's important to remember that momentum is _always_ conserved, and that you want to find that sweet spot where you're hitting it hard enough and high enough that there's no horizontal friction," she lectures the crowd around her. Her words are slightly slurred, but not badly, so between the fact that she's still able to use her brain and stand upright, Roman's pleased – he'd been worried that she'd had too much to drink. He has to laugh, because _of course_ she's trying to teach a group of drunk, horny men _physics._

"I thought friction was a good thing, especially when I'm hitting that sweet spot hard!" One of the guys guffaws, pumping his hips slightly as part of the joke, and the rest of the crowd laughs. The would-be comedian leans close to her, placing one hand on her hip. "Want me to give you a little hands-on demonstration?"

"Oh, no!" She straightens up and pushes a piece of hair behind her ear, eyes wide. "Balls are just going to go flying about all willy-nilly then!"

Roman sighs, knowing that there's about to be a riot, mostly because he's about to punch the asshat that's touching her. He steps forward, quickly hip-checking the other guy out of the way and taking the pool cue away from her. "Patty. School's over for the day. Time to go home." He holds onto the cue just in case; it looks like it could be a good weapon. Giving it a quick twirl, he tries to look as menacing as possible to help ward off the inevitable protests over him dragging her away.

"Roman!" She flings herself at him, catching him in some sort of part-hug, part-chokehold.

"Gah." He chokes, drops the cue, then tries to rearrange her so that she's not cutting off his air flow. "Let go, Patty. I can't _breathe!"_

"Ha, I'm climbing you like a tree, just like Allie said she wanted to, she's going to be so jealous." She laughs, but does move just enough that she's not putting any force on his trachea and her hair isn't going in his mouth any more.

Some of the guys around them laugh, and he can hear the comments about how this Allie sounds like fun and about how that's not what that phrase means and that they can teach her the proper meaning. It's definitely time to leave. He manages to unwrap her from his body and set her on her feet, then grabs her by the elbow and tries to direct her towards where it looks like Reade's having little success convincing Tash and Sarah to put down the bottle of tequila.

She slings her arm around his waist and snuggles up under his arm, leaning heavily on him, but otherwise seems to be able to walk without needing to be carried. "Just so you know," she comments, "Tash and Sarah are… uh, um… yeah, you might want to…"

"I'm aware." He wonders when his life got so absurd; he _never_ had these types of problems when he was living with Shepherd.

They both stop short when they see Sarah lick up Reade's right cheek while Tasha licks down the left side before both women toss back another shot. Roman blinks, wondering if he'd actually seen what he thought he'd seen, when Reade starts flailing his arms about and freaking out. Yeah, that had happened.

Without saying a word, both Roman and Patterson immediately change directions and start walking towards Kurt and the line of bar dancers he's trying to talk down off the bar.

"Allie, for fuck's sake, get your ass down here _now!"_ Kurt's yelling loudly enough that they can hear him well before they get to the bar.

Roman's not the tiniest bit surprised when Kurt's ultimatum fails to work. Allie just spins around enough to shake her ass in Kurt's face, then spins back around and starts stomping about in some sort of line dance that Roman can't recognize. There's lots of clapping and stomping, and he wonders if he'd be able to identify it if any two of the six dancers would manage to get in sync. As is, it's just a mishmash of movement.

Kurt tries again. "Allie, you're a mother of two, please act like it."

Allie just whoops, pulling her shirt up enough to show off her abs and bra, then yells at the other women if she looks like she's had two kids.

"Allie, please, you're going to get hurt if you keep this up." Kurt quickly pushes a full glass out of the way before she can step on it. He sounds increasingly panicky. "Allie, I don't want to see you get hurt. I also don't want to have to explain to Conor why you're hurt. Als, _please."_

Patterson releases the hold she has on him, bringing both hands up to her mouth and using them to whistle extremely loudly. Roman covers his ears, wincing. "Listen up!" she yells. "FBI. Fun's over. Off the bar."

Roman stares at her, incredulous. Did she really think that would work? She doesn't even have her badge on display, for crying out loud.

Kurt must think it stands a chance of working, because he grabs his badge out of his pocket and flashes it about, making sure each of Allie's backup dancers sees it. "FBI. Off the bar. One at a time." He holds a hand up to help the first woman steady herself as she steps down onto a bar stool. Turning to look over his shoulder, he glares at Roman. "A little help here?"

"Stay right here." He warns Patterson, pointing to an empty chair. "Don't go wondering off." He rushes off to help Kurt help the dancers off the bar until only Allie remains. She continues to ignore Kurt.

"If you get down and go home with Kurt, there's cheesecake back at the apartment, Allie." Roman gives it a try. She hadn't responded to threats, begging, or common sense, but maybe she'll be as motivated by food as Jane had been.

Instead, she leers at him. "There's cheesecake right here, too. And just like cheesecake, I bet you taste even yummier when drizzled with chocolate and dabbed with whipped cream."

"For God's sake, Als." Kurt groans, before turning to Roman, "FYI, I wasn't kidding about the silver bullets and holy water."

Kurt's timing couldn't have been any better. Just as he says 'water', Allie accidentally kicks over a glass that hadn't been pushed out of the way, water sloshing all over the bar top. Her foot slides across the slippery surface, and with a heartfelt "oh, _fuck"_ she starts toppling over. She reaches out for Kurt, trying to catch herself before she falls, but that just makes her even more off-balanced. Kurt tries to grab her hands to stabilize her, but Roman can already see that's not going to help keep her up on the bar. Their best bet for keeping her from crashing face-first onto the floor is to try to help her stay on her feet, so he grabs for her legs, getting a hand wrapped around her right knee. She falls despite their best efforts, and they end up in the absurd position of her somehow folded over his shoulder, facing his back, in the world's most awkward carry.

Roman tries to see the bright side; at least she's off the bar and not dancing any more. Before he can set her back down on her feet, she pinches his butt. "Ow! What the _hell,_ Allie?"

She pinches him again rather than answering, then gropes his left butt cheek.

"Can I threaten to break her fingers if she does that again?" He asks Kurt, unsure if that's allowable or not. He feels slightly bad about threatening his sister's best friend and co-mom, but he can only tolerate so many pinches and he has to stop this before Tash and Sarah decides it sounds like a fun game for them to play too.

"You can't, but I can." Patterson offers instead; he's not sure when she'd gotten up from where he'd left her, but he's very glad she had. She hisses something at Allie that Roman can't quite make out other than the word "Jane", but he can clearly hear Allie whining in response about how they take away all her fun.

He quickly sets her down and backs a safe distance away, Kurt laughing the entire time.

Roman glares at him. "Yeah, really funny. You want to see funny, look over at Reade." He doesn't feel the least bit sorry about what he's setting Kurt up for.

They all turn to look over where Reade is clearly at a loss for dealing with his best friend and ex-girlfriend.

Kurt squints as they see a flash of silver. "Are those… did they handcuff him to that chair?"

Allie snorts. "I _love_ Tash's signature move. It's always a _great_ night when she ends up handcuffing a guy to a chair. And hey, at least we know this one!"

"But I thought I already took her cuffs away from her." Patterson sounds confused. She reaches down the front of her dress, and Roman's not entirely sure what she's up to, but he very much hope she's not about to strip right there in the middle of the bar; he knows that'll be what pushes Kurt right over the edge and into heart attack territory. Jane will never forgive any of them when that happens.

_"Patterson!"_ Kurt hisses, clearly scandalized.

"What?" She asks, hand still moving about in her bra. "Ha! Found them!" She pulls out a pair of cuffs, and Roman's jaw drops. A quick glance at Kurt lets him know that he's reacting in the same way. She sees the looks they're giving her, and shrugs. "What? I don't have pockets. I _knew_ I had her cuffs!"

Allie starts cackling. "Well done, Ms. Weller. I didn't know she had it in her. She's really impressed me with her kink level tonight. Hidden depths to be plumbed and all that jazz."

Kurt moans, and Roman keeps the uncharitable thought that he sounds like a wounded wildebeest to himself. "Als…" Kurt sounds sick.

"What? Just sayin'." Allie smirks at them. "Okay, _fine._ Sarah's a virgin saint, never touched by man. Sawyer was most _definitely_ left by a stork. Well, maybe two storks if he weighed as much as the average baby with Weller genes. Or three – you people breed chunky little fat-wads. They're certainly not using _Sarah's_ cuffs. Tash must have stolen Reade's cuffs when he was distracted by something that I'm 100% sure wasn't Sarah."

"Oh, no, these are just mine." Patterson interrupts. "Tash's are engraved with her initials, but I had my fun pair engraved with my birthday in binary code. See?" She holds them up so that everyone can see the engraving, as well as the scarlet velvet lining around the inner surface of the cuffs.

Kurt makes another pained noise that Roman finds distressing to hear, and drops down in the chair that Patterson had been sitting in. "Never again. I'm never doing this _ever_ again."


	5. This Isn't Daytona During Spring Break

Allie and Patterson both start laughing.

"We finished with 'I Never' a long time ago, Kurt," Allie explains. "It got too difficult to play, so we moved on to 'Don't Judge Me, But…'. Do try to keep up."

"Don't judge…" Roman starts to say, because he's baffled by the idea, but Kurt quickly interrupts him.

"Whatever you do, _do not finish that sentence_." Kurt shakes his head. "Just _don't._ Trust me. If you can't figure it out, I'll explain it to you later, but don't give Allie an opening like that."

"You are _such_ a spoilsport." Allie sticks out her tongue at him.

Kurt shakes his head. "I'm not a spoilsport, I'm just well aware of the fact that none of us are 18 any more and this isn't Daytona during spring break."

Allie and Patterson look at each other, then chant "spoilsport" in unison. Roman has to laugh.

Kurt looks over at him. "I've got it under control if you want to leave. Believe me, I'll understand." He looks like he wants to leave too, without taking Allie, Patterson, or any of the rest of their family with him, and quite possibly, never come back. 

Roman understands the feeling. He scoffs. "I leave now, and they'll have _you_ handcuffed to a chair too within two minutes." He sees the way that Allie and Patterson's eyes light up at that idea and the way Patterson subtly moves closer to Kurt, hiding the hand holding the cuffs behind her back. "Patty, _no_. Bad Patterson!"

Patterson rolls her eyes, then sticks the cuffs back down the front of her dress. "Yeah, well, _clearly_ Kurt's not the only spoilsport here tonight."

Allie stares at him for a minute; it's a very disturbing feeling to have her looking at him like that. "Where you going after this, Romeo?" she asks.

Roman ignores her. "We probably should go rescue Reade, don't you think?" he asks Kurt.

"Don't want to answer me, do you?" Allie tilts her head to the side, continuing to stare at him in a manner that leaves him feeling very unnerved.

"Allie…" Patterson trails off when Allie holds up her index finger and gestures at her.

"Un-uh-uh-uh-uh," Allie chides. "Let's let Roman talk."

"Reade really could use some help." He tries again. 

Allie lets out one slow, bemused chortle. "I think that's a _great_ idea. You go take care of that, you two. Kurt, stay behind, I need to talk to you."

Kurt whines; he _actually_ whines. Roman can't believe it. Kurt sounds just like his youngest daughter at bed time. "I don’t want to. Nothing good has ever come out of you saying that."

"Does it _look_ like I give a flying fuck what you want?" Allie shakes her head. "No, no it does not. You, me, talky time."

"Nooooooo." Kurt whines again. "Don't wanna. Let's just get Reade out of that chair before someone decides to give him a lap dance, and _please God_, let it be Tash instead of Sarah if that does happen, and let's go _home_."

"Kurt Tiberius Weller!" Allie puts her hands on her hips, and yells at him. "I didn't want to push your ten-pound big-headed baby out of my vagina, _unmedicated_ I might add, but guess what, we all have to do things on occasion that we don't want to do!"

"_Tiberius_?" Roman whispers to Patterson. "Did we know his middle name was Tiberius?"

"It's not." Patterson whispers back. "It's Allie being Allie. She doesn't like Thomas, so she keeps coming up with other names that start with T, like Tiberius and Themistocles."

"_Themistocles_?"

She sighs. "Long story, it involves really skimpy Halloween costumes, don't ask, you _really_ don’t want to know. I wish I didn't."

They both try their best to ignore how Allie continues to screech about what the birthing process had done to her reproductive organs, but it's fairly hard to tune her out when she starts on about perineal stitches, incontinence, and loss of vaginal muscle tone.

He could have happily lived his entire life without ever knowing what a perineal stitch was, much less knowing about it in such painful detail, but Allie rips away that last little bit of his innocence.

Roman's fairly certain that if they don’t find a way to shut her up soon, none of them are ever going to want to have sex again. He grabs his brother-in-law by the collar of his shirt and pulls him out of the chair, practically throwing him at Allie. "Go talk! _Quietly_! We'll go deal with Tash and Sarah." Given the choice between listening to Allie say one more word and having his libido permanently exterminated versus fighting off Tash and Sarah, he'll _gladly_ take whatever form of harassment they heap upon him.

"You are _literally_ throwing me to the wolves, Roman." Kurt looks at him like he's been utterly betrayed.

"Technically, he's not since it's more like he's throwing you to a singular wolf instead of a pack of wolves." Patterson corrects him. "Well, a singular she-wolf or bitch, if we really want to get technical about it."

Allie grabs Kurt by the belt and starts dragging him towards the coat check area. He shoots them both dirty looks, yelping "You're not helping, Patterson!" as he tries to dig his heels in and stop Allie's progress.

"So, Reade?" Roman asks he turns his back on the spectacle, hoping Kurt can retain at least a shred of his dignity.

"Poor Reade." Patterson frowns. "I feel kinda sorry for him. I mean, obviously not enough to talk Tash out of this crazy-ass scheme of hers, but still."

"Oh my God, woman, you are _crazy_!" They can hear Kurt bellow behind them, his voice clearly understandable even over all the rest of the noise in the bar. 

"Reade." They both say at the same time, determinedly keeping their backs to the Allie-and-Kurt-Show as they start walking over towards where Sarah and Tash have, for all appearances, taken Reade hostage.

Patterson slows down before they get over there, lightly touching his arm to get his attention. "Could you…"

"Could I _what_?" He doesn't even want to know what sort of insanity he's about to be dragged into.

She grins. "Could you maybe not immediately free him? I want to get pics."

He wasn't expecting that. "You want _pictures_. Of _Reade_." Roman barely believes the words coming out of his mouth. "_Handcuffed_. To a _chair_."

"Oh, not like that!" She smacks his arm. "You know as well as the rest of us that it's inevitable Sarah's going to marry him at some point. I'm thinking I can get some cute pics to share at the engagement party or wedding that Reade will just hate."

He's still somewhat mad about Reade's comments back in the car, and this gives him the opportunity for a little revenge. "Get a pic or two without Sarah and prank him with them at work, and I'll go along with this little scheme of yours."

"Would you be happy with a little change of screensavers later this week or next, just when he thinks we've forgotten all about this incident?" She offers with an evil little smile.

"_Hells_ yeah." He can't wait, this is going to be _awesome_. And this way Jane won't have missed out on all of the fun, which makes it an even bigger win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone catch the slight nodes to Star Trek and Sully's excellent work in 300: Rise of an Empire?


	6. Well This Is Awkward

They slowly saunter over to join the tequila trio. Roman claps his hand down on Reade's shoulder. "Hey there, buddy, having fun?"

"Roman!" Tasha starts to throw herself at him, but Patterson quickly steps in between them and intercepts the hug, whispering something into Tash's ear.

"Get these things off of me!" Reade struggles with the cuffs again, causing the chair to shimmy.

Roman's not entirely sure how Reade's not broken the chair by now. He winks at Patterson, who continues to have a whispered conversation with Tash. Tash is shaking her head, arguing with whatever Patty’s suggesting.

"I don't know, bro. Seems like if you really wanted out of them, you'd be out of them already." While he distracts Reade, Patterson starts whispering to Sarah, gesturing wildly.

Sarah moves from where she'd been standing and leans on the back of Reade’s chair, resting her forearms on his shoulders, letting her hands rest against his chest.

"Roman!" Reade sounds panicky. “Sarah!”

Sarah takes a step back and looks over at Patterson and Tash. Tash laughs and nods at her.

"Sorry, don't have the keys." Roman shakes his head. "Really, it's a shame you never learned the trick to slipping cuffs like that off, that could have been useful. Remind me to teach you sometime later. There's this one little pressure point…"

"_Roman_!" Reade shrieks as Sarah leans over and starts nibbling on his ear lobe, looking directly at the camera on Patty's phone. "Sarah, what the _hell_, stop that!"

Tasha looks over at him, question easy to read in her eyes. He nods his head in Patterson's direction, then flicks his eyes down towards her phone; Tasha nods. "I mean, he's not wrong, Eddie. You certainly didn't put up a fight when I cuffed you, you've not really made too much of an effort to get out of them. You haven't even asked me to let you up. I think he might be on to something."

Before Reade can start yelling at her, Sarah spins around his side and gingerly perches on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"_Sarah_!" Reade is completely freaked out. "Get off of me before your brother decides that I'm somehow at fault here and rips my head off. Tasha, _do something!_"

"See?" Tasha gestures at him. "There's been a lot of yelling and demanding and bitching, but you still haven't politely asked me to let you up."

"Let me up from here!" Reade bellows.

"Dude. Not nice." Roman frowns. "You didn't even attempt to say please."

Reade shoots him an evil glare. "I hate all of you. Even you, Patty. I thought you were too nice to do this to me." He frowns at her, giving her his best puppy dog eyes.

She snaps a picture right in his face, this time using the flash.

"Son of a bitch!" He howls. "What did you do that for?"

"Roman and Tash just finished telling you to be nice and polite," she lectures him. "So what did you do? Try to guilt me, and told me that you hated me."

Roman can see the minute that Reade finally gives up. He sighs, then the fight leaves him completely.

"What am I going to have to do to get out of these? Please just tell me." Reade asks, looking between Roman and Tash.

Roman nudges Tash with his foot, hoping she'll notice the cue to follow his lead. "Seeing how Kurt and I had to play a few rounds of 'let's make a deal' with Sawyer earlier tonight, and I know that's all your fault, I'd say the same applies here. Make me an offer, Reade."

Sarah twitches at that, then looks up at him, frowning; Roman mentally curses himself for his stupidity in even mentioning Sawyer and deals in the same breath. "He did go to bed by 11, _right_?"

Roman will never admit it, but Sarah scares him more than any of the rest of the women in their little group. He's not entirely sure why, maybe because she's just so very different than Shepherd and Remi and what he's used to, but she's absolutely _terrifying_. "Yes, ma'am."

"Good, because if he'd stayed up any later, we won't be able to wake him before noon and he'll be an absolute bear when we do." She shoots him a steely look. "So you _do_ realize that if you're lying to me and did let him stay up late, I _will_ know about it?"

"He was napping by ten, but Kurt woke him up and sent him to bed before eleven, I _swear_, Sarah." Roman promises.

She looks at him, then laughs. "Oh my God. He conned you two out of beer, didn't he?"

Roman tries his best to hide his surprise at how easily she'd guessed that, but apparently fails, based on the way she starts hysterically laughing at him. He supposes he's also failing to hide the fear, too, because he's terrified of what she's going to do to him for letting her baby boy drink.

"I don't know how anyone ever thought Kurt was a hard-ass." She wipes away tears. "It's amazing how the kids can all play him. And _you_." She snorts. "Some big badass you are, manipulated by a sixteen year old boy. _Amazing_."

"I'll have a talk with Sawyer about behaving for you," Reade offers, "and I'll throw in tickets for all three of us to that Rangers game he's so excited about."

"No deal." Tasha interjects before Roman can respond. "You already bought the tickets, you told me about them yesterday. Make it _good_. Roman, don't take any of his lame-ass offers."

"Some best friend you are." Reade glares at her, but she only laughs.

"Love you too, babe." She blows him a kiss. "I'm totally doing this for your benefit."

"We have very different definitions of 'benefit', Tash." Reade shakes his head, turning his gaze back to Roman. "Five hundred dollars. Cash. I'll pay you tonight, just get me free."

Tasha must think he's going to accept the offer, because she immediately starts shaking her head. "No, no, Roman, don't do it."

"It's the best I'm going to offer." Reade counters. "I don't want to get stuck playing some sick strategy game with you, and I want to be free before Allie wanders over here."

Roman can tell the second that Tash figures out how to counter Reade's bold move; a gigantic smile crosses her face as she takes several large steps away from him. "You're going to need these then." She taunts as she pulls the handcuff keys out of her wristlet.

Even before she moves, he knows what she's about to do and lunges at her.

It's too late.

She pulls her top out enough to slip her hand down the front and tuck the keys into her bra, then exaggerates her motions as she adjusts her bra and breasts. "Come and get 'em, lover. "

Roman freezes.

“Tasha!” Reade yelps. “Don’t you _dare_.”

Sarah and Patterson start giggling, and start cackling when Tasha winks at him and then Reade. Roman has no clue how to proceed.

“Tasha, _please_.” Reade begs. “Just let me up from here! Can we talk about this like sensible people?”

She shakes her head no. “Not happening yet. You do your best to avoid conversations like this.”

Reade closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "Roman, please, if you would,” Reade mutters while grinding his teeth. "The five hundred I originally promised, plus an extra two in hazard pay."

"Oh, fuck you." Tasha snaps at him, but without any heat. "My tits are great; you ought to knock that two hundred 'hazard pay' bullshit off his bribe for the privilege." She shakes her chest in his direction.

"Hell, Tash, if he's going to go on a key search, you should have hidden them in your panties instead." Sarah practically _purrs _her suggestion.

Roman remains frozen, even as Patterson and Sarah both start laughing even more hysterically.

Reade tries again. "The seven hundred, plus all your paperwork for the next week, so you can get out of the office early."

"Not good enough, Eddie." Tasha faux-pouts. "And really, shouldn't you be making the deal with me? Since I'm the one with the keys and all?"

"Everything I promised before, plus I'll cover you on Friday afternoon so you can take your girlfriend on an _expensive_, romantic weekend. Suite at the Plaza and all that. All of it my treat, of course." Reade seems frantic.

That stops all three of the women short.

"Your _girlfriend_?" Tasha seems stunned. "A fuck-buddy, sure, I can understand you having one of those, but a _girlfriend_?"

Patterson's voice is so high that Roman winces; she's on the verge of only being heard by dogs. "How on earth does _Reade_ know you have a girlfriend? Since _when_ exactly do you have a _girlfriend_? How long have you had a _girlfriend_!?!??!!"

"_Girlfriend_?" Sarah practically screams. "_You_ have a _girlfriend_. _You_, of _all_ people? Jesus Christ, I give up. _I give up_!" She throws her hands up in the air, then shoots an evil glare at Reade. "What the _fuck_ is wrong with you? _That one_ can find a _girlfriend_ despite the multitude of social problems he has and you can't even locate your balls long enough to ask me to go get a fucking _coffee_? Hell, I’m not even sure you want to!"

Roman doesn't have a clue how to extricate himself from this situation; it seems like everywhere he looks, there's danger. He wonders if yelling for Kurt would help or just make it worse.

"Tell Sarah you're in love with her." Tash is very quiet and very, very, eerily calm. She holds up the keys, and Roman is thankful she'd retrieved them without forcing him to either strip-search her or dangle her by her ankles until they fell loose. "That's my price. You want out of that chair, you tell her just exactly what you feel. I'm _sick_ of it, listening to you moon on about how you’re so in love and not doing a single fucking thing about that fact. _Tell her_."

“You are an _idiot_!” Reade growls at her. “I’m not in love with her, I’m in love with _you_! That's why I’ve not asked Sarah out! I've been talking about you!” He looks over at Sarah apologetically. “I thought you knew? I thought you both knew and were torturing me.”

They all stand around in stunned silence.

"Uh... what?" Roman voices it before anyone else can.

Patterson stands there blinking, and Sarah and Tasha aren't much better.

"You what?" Tasha finally asks.

"Oh, look at that, is that the time, we need to settle the tab." Patterson starts babbling. "Roman and I are going to go do that right now." She grabs him by the arm, and he's very willing to let her drag him away from _that_ situation.

Roman has to ask if she’d had any clue. He can’t believe he’d misread the Reade-Sarah situation so much. He’d had no idea how the man felt about Tash. He's not as willfully blind as Kurt, but this one completely blindsided him. He doesn't know how he got this one so wrong.

Patterson shakes her head. “I mean, I knew they hooked up a few times, but that's just sex. I didn’t think he was in love with her. I’m sure Sarah and Tash were equally blindsided. Jesus, this is a _mess_. Sarah’s going to be gutted, Kurt’s going to be pissed about his baby sister getting her feelings hurt, and Tash…” Patterson trails off. “Tash hasn’t exactly been waiting around alone at home for Reade, if you get what I’m saying.”

He winces. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

She raises an eyebrow and gives him a Look. “How _much_ do you know about that? And _how_?”

“I know enough.” He shrugs, then looks over at Sarah, Tash, and Reade. “Reade’s better for her than the other guy. It’s a big step up for her.”

“Do you know who it is?!” Patterson grabs his arm. “She wouldn’t tell me!”

He grimaces and shakes his head. “You don’t want to know.”

He looks back over at the trio, and notices that Sarah’s crying. He feels so badly for her, because he’s sure she didn’t think things were going to turn out like this. He's not the least little bit surprised when Tasha quickly joins them at the bar.

Patterson curls a finger around a string around her neck, a string that Roman hadn't previously noticed, and pulls some sort of pouch-looking thing out of her dress, then pulls out a credit card and gestures at the bartender.

"What the… what is that?" Roman has to ask.

"Travel wallet." She explains, then pauses to look at him. "Wait… you didn't actually think I'm carrying those cuffs around just loose in my bra, did you?"

"Well, yeah." It sounds stupid now that he's saying it out loud.

She and Tasha just about fall over laughing at him.

"Oh, Roman. Sweet, innocent, naïve Roman. _Of_ _course_ she's wearing a theft-resistant wallet that she can't lose. Are you completely unaware of the types of hijinks we get up to when we drink? Does Jane tell you _nothing_?" Tasha laughs and pats his arm.

"On the topic of hijinks…" Roman's scared to ask, but he has to know. "What the fuck, Tash? _You cuffed Reade to a chair. _What on earth made you think that was a good or acceptable idea?"

Tasha is coy with her answer. "What makes you think it's the first time I've done that? You don't know what I do for fun, don't judge."

"Tash…" Roman doesn't even know what to say to _that_.

She holds up three fingers in a mockery of a Boy Scout pledge. "I solemnly swear…"

"That you're up to no good?" Patterson interrupts her before she can finish, and Tash lowers two of the fingers and gestures in Patterson's direction; Patterson starts laughing, then hiccupping.

Tash returns to her oath. "I solemnly swear that I've never handcuffed anyone that didn't want it."

"You handcuff criminals for a living~" Patterson hiccups again.

"For _funsies_," Tasha emphasizes. "I've never handcuffed anyone _for fun_ that didn't want it. Actually, can you keep a secret?"

The bartender comes back over with a receipt, and Patterson turns away from them to take care of it.

Roman takes the chance that she's not paying any attention, because it sounds like Tash has something she wants to share. "You know I can." He winks, then jokes, "Apparently, I've been keeping all of you in the dark about my love life for a very long time."

She looks around, then lowers her voice to the point Roman has to lean very close to be able to hear her. “Reade asked me too. Okay, so I maybe misread what he meant by that statement. I didn’t realize what he intended to do. Completely blindsided me.” She looks over at where Reade and Sarah are quietly talking. “I’m so glad I did this rather than somehow making a detour to the office, tossing the two of them into a cell, and locking them in. That would have been… awkward."

"What are you two whispering about?" Allie bounds over to them, interrupting their tête-à-tête before Roman can ask Tash where things stand between her and Reade now.

"Nothing." Roman immediately answers.

"FBI holding cells." Tash talks over him, contradicting his statement. "And the fun that can be had inside of them."

Allie looks stunned. "Really?!??! _Bold_, Tash."

Tasha pinches him, and he keeps his mouth shut; in all honesty, he wouldn't have needed her goading him into not interacting with Allie. He knows well enough the types of things Allie's thinking.

"Can we please go home already?" Kurt joins them, frowning. "I'm tired."

"We're all paid up, we can leave any time now!" Patty beams at him, then hiccups again.

Allie glances at Tash, then at Roman, then at Tash, and then at him again. "Aren't you hungry? Don't you want something to eat, Tash?"

"Sure, I guess." Tasha shrugs.

"I could eat." Patterson suggests.

"You like that pizza place at the end of the block, don't you?" Allie looks up at Kurt. "I think we should really get some grease and carbs into her, she really needs it, Kurt. Both of them."

"Fine." Kurt seems like he's at the point he'd agree to about anything just to leave. "We'll get food before we go home. Someone go get Sarah and Reade."

"Roman, you go get them, I think we need to talk logistics here." Allie quickly volunteers him.

He grabs his phone out, planning on texting them, then hesitates when he realizes that means turning it on. In front of Allie, who is an expert at noticing every little thing. And he has no clue how many missed messages are about to pop up on the screen. "Fuck," he curses, sliding it back into his pants pocket.

"Problem?" Allie looks at him, then glances in the direction of where his phone had disappeared. At least, he hopes she's looking for his phone.

"Forgot I had a battery issue." He offers, hoping she buys the lie.

"_Suuuuuuure_." She drags out the word. "Reade and Sarah, now, please Roman. Tash and I need to have a little chat."

It's the first time he's ever heard say the word 'please'; he'd thought she hadn't known it before now.


	7. A Horrifying and Hilarious Entreaty

Interrupting Reade and Sarah’s awkward conversation is easier than he'd expected; all he had to say was "Kurt", and they both jumped.

"Where?" Sarah asks. 

"Don't shoot me!" Reade offers, jumping about trying to spot where a murderously over-protective brother might be standing.

Roman finishes his statement, doing his best to not laugh. "… is ready to go home. We're leaving, c'mon, let's go."

Reade grimaces.

Roman can tell what he’s thinking, how to handle the Sarah and Tash situation. He wouldn’t want to send Sarah home with Kurt while flaunting a new relationship either. That could only end with Kurt being even angrier and murder-y big brother-y. He makes eye contact with Reade over Sarah’s head and winks at him, he can help with the logistics.

Reade nods, and suggests that Sarah make sure that she has her jacket and purse. She rolls her eyes and asks him how stupid he think she is, she knows better than to bring easily losable accessories on a girls’ night out.

Roman has to laugh, slinging an arm around Reade's shoulders as they head over to the door, where an incredibly grumpy Kurt is waiting for them. 

"Where are the girls?" Sarah looks around, like they're somehow hiding behind Kurt.

Kurt grinds his teeth. "Als, Tash, and Patterson wandered off."

"You _lost_ them?" Sarah smacks Kurt on the arm. "_Kurt_! You know better than to let them loose on the city!"

"There wasn't any 'letting them' to it." He argues. "Als said 'pizza now', grabbed Tash by the ponytail, and walked off. Patty chased after them."

"_Oh, Jesus_." Roman can't even imagine what Allie's up to now.

Sarah echoes his statement, only more as a prayer than a curse. "Oh, Jesus, watch over them and help us find them before they start a nuclear war and take over Australia or start Ragnarok or find a dozen lost puppies that they want Kurt or me to adopt or stumble across two dozen lost sailors with the clap in town for Fleet Week. Please let us find them before two or more of them suddenly show up pregnant and/or with rabies and/or the plague and/or new tattoos. Jane will kill us all if they get tattoos without her. Or pregnant. Help us find them without the need to contact the CIA or Section 20 or NASA. Bless us all."

She's utterly sincere in her entreaty, which makes it both horrifying and incredibly hilarious at the same time.

Reade stuffs his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing.

Kurt turns a paler shade of white than Roman's ever seen him. "Let's. Go." He says between clenched teeth.

"Allie said pizza, right?" Roman asks as Kurt hustles them out the door and towards the SUV. "I think I know where they are. It's close, no need to drive."

"Go get them. Now." Kurt looks at his watch, and curses. "It's already well after one, I want to be in bed and sound asleep by two. Let's move it people. Unless…” he looks over at Sarah and gestures his head towards Reade.

Reade and Sarah both frown.

"Hey, about that…" Sarah starts to say, and Roman jogs away from _that_ particular conversation bomb at double time. He's perfectly happy not to be involved in or even have to overhear Sarah telling Kurt that Reade’s dumped her for Tash. He shudders just thinking about it.

He can hear Allie and Tash before he ever sees them, and he's relieved – they'd gone exactly where he thought they might.

"You are _completely_ out of your fucking mind." Tash yells.

"Tell me I'm wrong then." Allie yells back.

He speeds up from a job to a flat-out run; this can't be good.

"You are wrong!" Tash gets louder. "You are deadass _wrong_!"

"And you are _lying_!" Allie retorts. "Just admit it!"

Roman crashes into their conversation before Tash has a chance to answer. "Guys, wrap it up, Kurt's in a mood. We need to go. _Now_."

"No, let's let them fight it out." Patterson grins at him. "This is pretty damn funny. One of the funniest things I've seen or heard tonight, actually. _Hilarious_. Especially knowing what I know."

"Besides, we ordered two slices, they won't be out for a few minutes." Tasha points out. "We already paid for them and everything. Kurt might dislike waiting, but he hates wasting money even more."

"You know what he's really going to hate?" It's clear from her tone that Allie's trying to reignite whatever they were fighting about a minute earlier.

"You sticking your nose in where it's not wanted nor appreciated _yet again_?" Tash seems more than happy to pick up where they'd left off. "Let it _go_, Allison."

"Oh! Oh! Why don't you get Roman's opinion?" Patterson offers; he can tell from the way she's grinning that he's not going to like whatever bus she's just thrown him under.

"That's a brilliant idea, Patterson." Allie clearly approves. "So, Roman, what do _you_ think of my theory that Tasha has a secret boyfriend she doesn't want any of us to know about?"

Oh _shit_. There's no way this is going to end well for him; he'll be lucky if Tash is just happy to beat the stuffing out of him in training next week. She clearly is trying to set up Allie up for some sort of joke about her getting together with Reade finally, and he’s not going to be the one that ruins her fun. He tries to steer the conversation onto safer ground. "That you're completely misusing the word theory and Patterson, why don't you tell her all about the differences between theories and hypotheses?"

"I'm gonna let it slide this time." Patterson laughs at the look on his face. "What, you didn't think that little misdirect would actually work, did you?"

"The truth shall set you free, Tash!" Allie tries again. "You tell us about this guy you're trying so desperately to keep secret, and I'll tell you about what Conor and I did last week."

"You're more likely to get it out of her if you threaten to tell her about what horrible sex thing you two did to each other than if you offer it up as an incentive." Patterson interjects.

"_Shut it_, Patty." Tash snaps. "For the last time, I don't have a boyfriend at the moment!"

Roman suspects that’s a case of only being true for some very exact definition of ‘at the moment’, and likely to be very untrue in another hour.

"What do you think about that, Roman?" Allie looks up at him.

"Like it's absolutely none of my business." He answers. "How long did you say it was going to be on those slices?"

"Not soon enough to get Tash out of the hot seat." Allie snarks, then pauses. An evil smile crosses her face; it causes shivers to run down Roman's spine. "You know, it _is_ going to take a while. Kurt's probably having kittens. We need to leave. Patterson, we're leaving now. Tash, you live close to here. You two wait on that food. Roman, you can have my slice for free if you walk her home. I'll text both of you in twenty to make sure you made it to Tash's safely. Have a good night! _Move it_, Patterson."

"But…"

Whatever Patterson's about to say is cut off as Allie hustles her down the street back to where Kurt's waiting.

Tasha lets out a huge exhalation. "She has all the subtlety of a dump truck on fire. I'm sorry you got dragged in this. I know you have better things to do than keep me company."

He shrugs. "It works for me. I was planning on heading in that general direction at some point." He’d only vaguely worked out a plan for getting her to Reade’s without tipping off Allie and making it more awkward for poor Sarah, but this works.

"_Really_?" She loops her hand into the crook of his elbow, and stands closer. "Tell me more."

He rolls his eyes. "Seriously?"

Tash laughs. "Yeah, I figured you'd like that."

"Order 173, two slices pepp!" A guy calls out from the window counter.

"That's us!" Tash lets go of him to grab their pizza, and they start strolling down the street towards Reade’s place, enjoying the pizza as they go. It takes them about ten minutes before they start getting close to their destination, but that's okay with him. He figures that by now, Kurt's already dropped Reade off at his place and is close to Patterson's; he hopes his poor brother-in-law does get in bed before 2, the man seemed past exhausted.

"So…" she says when they stop to drop the dirtied napkins into a trash can about two blocks away. "What's this about a girlfriend? That seems like news. I can't believe that the first I'm hearing about it is from Reade."

He blushes, he actually _blushes_. "That's not… Reade said… no, I don't have a girlfriend. At least, I don't think she wants to call herself my girlfriend. I know it's a fuck buddy thing, I don't have the right to ask for more."

"Any woman would be lucky to have you."

He's not used to hearing so much sincerity in her voice, and he has to question it. "Yeah?"

"Of course. You're a good guy, I wouldn't be this close to you if you weren't." She hesitates for a moment. "So, about that guy that Allie insists is my boyfriend…"

"So there _is_ a guy?"

"Come off of it, you knew who I was doing." She bumps his arm with her elbow. "Same thing. Fuck buddy, friends with benefits, whatever you want to call it. I wasn't lying when I told her that I didn't have a _boyfriend_."

They come to the end of that block, and wait in silence for a few seconds before they can cross the street to the next. 

He finally has to ask, hoping he'll get some sort of insight into the feminine mindset. "Do you want one? Are you going to call it quits with that douchebag and take up with Reade full time?”

Tash bites her lip. "That's a difficult question."

"What's so hard about it?" It seems like an easy thing to him, yes or no.

"It's just…" She hesitates. "This thing with Reade… it’s almost _too_ real. And it would change things in a way that I’m not sure I want them to change. I don’t know if I’d be happy with just keeping it casual, but I’m at least comfortable with the way things are now.”

He nods. He gets that. He does. He still has to ask. “But what if it’s a good type of change? Things are good now, but what if you’re missing out on something great?”

She makes a little humming noise, but doesn’t say anything.

They come up to Reade’s building, and Roman sits down on one of the steps leading up to the entrance. “What’s the worst that could happen? Seriously, what’s the worst that could happen if you dump the other guy and admit to him that you love him and want him and only him? Are you really worried that he’s going to leave you some day?” He scoffs.

She hesitates, and that's a dead giveaway that she is. "Our little group won't understand."

He rolls his eyes. "There's a lot that they don't understand or approve of. Is that going to stop you from going after what you want? And so what if we all thought he was going to end up with Sarah? We’re not really invested in it, we just like gossiping."

Her phone rings, and she shoots him an apologetic glance as she looks down at it. "It's Allie, I really need to answer this."

"Call her back in a minute when you're actually in his apartment."

She looks at him, then puts the phone back in her pocket.

"Do you want me to walk you to his door, or do you have it from here?" Roman asks, more than ready to leave.

"I've got it from here, if you're sure you don't want to come up? Maybe for some coffee? Maybe act as chaperone?" She says it as a question, with a wink and a smile, a sure joke.

They both laugh then, and he hugs her farewell. "Yeah, I've really got to be going, I've left my girl waiting too long. Seriously, Tash, tell your fears to go fuck themselves and be with Reade if you want to."

She bites her lip again, then smirks at him. "I guess that I means I have to dump my fucktoy now."

Roman has a visceral reaction to that he can't suppress, gagging at the word. “Please never say that again in my hearing.”

She laughs. “Matty Weitz, fucktoy extraordinaire.”

“Taaaaaash,” he whines. “Stop.”

She laughs again and then promises she’ll never say it again. She hugs him and turns to go inside. "Thanks for walking me home, Roman. ‘Night."

He watches her open the front door, and only then does he call out "'Night, Tash." He's smiling as he walks away.

She lets him get about five steps away before calling out to him. "And say hi to Patty for me!"

He trips and falls right into a bike rack.


End file.
